Family Violence Healing - Writing about a Mother’s Nightmare of Abuse Beyond Control
by Dr Jeanne King PhD
Where did you get the where-with-all to write your book (All But My Soul) people continue to ask seven years after its publication. This question has been presented to me so many times, I’m compelled to give you the answer in this article.
I didn’t write it; it wrote itself. Now I know that sounds ridiculous on face value, but that’s actually what did indeed happen. Here’s how.
Why I Wrote All But My Soul
First, I’ve known since the 80’s through studying the work of James Pennebaker, Ph.D. that when you write about trauma, it releases from the physiology. And I didn’t want to go to my grave with this drama.
Secondly, my children were being told by their father (and his family) that I abandoned them, yet nothing could be further from the truth. What actually happened is I was abused out of their lives.
And lastly, I had learned so much about domestic violence and the legal abuse syndrome, I wanted to put it out there for the hundreds and thousands of people who are in abusive relationships and those headed toward one.
I wanted to help them see the dynamics of battering relationships and understand how domestic abuse can be transformed into legal domestic abuse. I wanted them to know that if they were encountering family court denying them the right and ability to protect their children and themselves that their case was not an anomaly.
I also wanted them to have information to better protect their children and themselves. I thought that by knowing the common strategies used to railroad domestic violence survivors through the system at the bequest of their perpetrators to silence the abuse, they would have an advantage.
So my intentions where pretty clear but the writing, well that was a different matter. I simply didn’t know where to begin. I thought about it for about two months and wrote nothing more than an outline.
How the Book Was Written
Then one day I had the honor of speaking with Byron Katie after one of her events. I told her that I had been struggling with writing a book. I said, “I need to write this book, and I can’t seem to get it out of me.”
Katie looked at me and said, “No, you don’t have to write that book; the book needs to write itself.”
So, I went home and thought who do I want to hear me speak? I placed pictures of my children around my monitor and every morning upon awakening I went directly to the keyboard. Exactly 100 days from the day I began, I had a 400 plus page first draft of the manuscript (most of which is the final draft).
The Inner Ache to the Outer Release
But I think when people ask me that question, what they really want to know is how did I get around, or over, the anger and anguish to bring pen to paper rather than resorting to the destruction of those that impacted the life of my children and myself? Or, as some do…rather than resorting to the destruction of myself.
Here’s how. Each time I would come to a player in our saga that would make my hair stand on end, I would pull back and run those feelings through The Work until I could go to the keyboard and effortlessly write their chapter.
So for me it was a zigzagging between inner work and outer expression. Compounding this was the way I allowed the material to come to me up from the inner depths of my own quietude. When I’d fatigue from writing, I’d sit in meditation until another block of thought rushed forth running me back to the keyboard.
In many respects the book did write itself, and what I did was get out of the way. My hope for you is if you have a story to tell, you do all that is necessary to allow it to pour out from you to benefit all those who are drawn to it. It has meant so much to me to hear how my writing has impacted women worldwide over the years.
For information about the dynamics of abusive relationships and healing from an abusive relationship, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com and claim your free Survivor Success Tips and eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., founding director of Partners in Prevention, helps individuals recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. www.AllButMySoul.com Copyright 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
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5 Powerful Ways to Avoid Major Mindset Mistakes
by Lani and Allen Voivod
Mindset mistakes - the often accidental, always detrimental goofs we make out of short-sightedness, fear, self-doubt, or sheer habit. These common brain blunders are fueled by an established set of beliefs that probably don’t suit us anymore.
Gee whiz, but wouldn’t it be nice to discover a few handy techniques to sidestep these success zappers once and for all…especially in these prickly economic times?
You got it.
The following 5 Powerful Ways to Avoid Major Mindset Mistakes have been carefully chosen and keenly crafted to help you get out of overwhelm and into living your ideal lifestyle and business reality. Drum roll, please…
#1: BREATHE!
When you consciously take time to breathe - literally, to feel your breathing patterns, and pay attention to the methodic, in-and-out rhythm and process - you’re taking time to reconnect with your passions and sense of purpose. This “quiet” time gives you a chance to GET CLEAR about:
- Your goal(s)
- Your Target Market/Ideal Audience
- Your offer(s)
- Your business, marketing, and socializing strategies
Once you get some clarity, you can make decisions from a place of power, and calmly focus on your next step…and then your next one…and then your next one… infinity!
#2: Surround Yourself With Success-minded People
You’ve heard the saying “You are what you eat,” right? There’s a similar saying that suggests “You are the average of the five people you hang out with most.” Success-minded people are Prosperity Conscious (as opposed to Poverty Conscious). Instead of problems, limits, and misery, Success-minded People focus on:
- Abundance
- Gratitude
- Opportunity
- Strengths and Assets
- Joy (!!)
Success-minded people act with vision, and generously share insights, best practices, and better success strategies. More importantly, Success-minded People see and believe in the best of you, so they BRING out the best in you…as long as you let them.
As for your Poverty Conscious friends, no need to ditch them. Just bump up your awareness of the difference between the two mindsets. Then, actively decide how much influence you’re willing to give to those who don’t necessarily see eye to eye with your present sensibilities.
#3: Watch Your Language!
Assignment: Listen to yourself - your inner and outer chatter, your exchanges with others, your full-on conversations with whoever you meet and mix with - for one whole day.
Listen to the words you use to describe the goings-on of your life. Literally, pay attention to the nouns, the verbs, the subtle details and not-so-subtle nuances. At the end of the day, take inventory.
What did you hear? Did you find you hemmed and hawed about all the little things that bugged you?
Or did you put on rose-colored glasses with determination and gusto, make the most out of whatever came your way, and infuse laughter and levity into even the thorniest situations?
If you listen reeeeal carefully, you’ll discover this interesting fact: YOU dictate your own reality with the language you choose, and the self-talk that ricochets around in your head. You’re the first to declare what’s possible for you, what your limitations are, and how other people should value you and your efforts. Honest. It’s just the darndest thing. Try it.
#4: Plan for SUCCESS
You can spend all your time “Avoiding Failure,” or you can put your attention, energy, focus, and momentum into your vision of SUCCESS. It’s one or the other, people. You can’t do both.
Once you decide to plan for SUCCESS, a strange thing happens. You start asking yourself what it means to be a SUCCESS. You start looking for ways to create SUCCESS in your life and business. Details arise. You know in order to be a SUCCESS, you’re going to need A, B, and C in place. So you begin to take action to get those ducks in a row.
You adopt different habits, because you notice the successful people you know are playing a different game than the rest of the pack. You’re thinking differently, making different decisions, sidestepping roadblocks, ignoring naysayers, confronting challenges head-on, with your eyes on the prize.
And it feels reeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllly good.
#5: Take ACTION!!!
The difference between success and failure is 10 minutes. That’s right, we said it. Ten. Ideas hang out in the metaphysical realm - they swirl and swoosh and tease and taunt - until someone decides to grab one and put some kinetic chutzpah behind it. This blast of action, 99 times out of 100, takes less than 10 minutes.
It could be as simple as picking up a pen and sketching out a plan in an old notebook. It could be picking up the phone and starting a conversation with a designer, bookkeeper, or paleontologist. It could be signing up for a class, scheduling an appointment, or shooting an email to a former client.
Now, maybe that 10 minutes won’t change the rotation of the Earth…yet. However, it now holds grand potential. It could be the very first step in a series of 5-10 minute action steps. And when those itty-bitty action steps start adding up, they become greater than the sum of their parts.
As do you.
1…2…3…4…5…All Together Now!
Okay, so let’s take a look at things now that you’ve welcomed these five steps into your everyday life.
You’ve ditched the frenetic panic and adopted the habit of breathing, listening, and getting clear with yourself and your vision. You’re hanging out with very cool people - people who support you and guide you and share insights that rock your world, time and time again. You’ve changed the way you talk to others, and more importantly, you’ve changed the way you talk to yourself.
You’ve got a solid plan, and you’re working it like a champ. You’re a business person of ACTION now. You ACT like a successful business owner. Not surprisingly, your business is now a success.
As Dr. Seuss says: “And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.) KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!”
Lani and Allen Voivod, aka ‘The Content Lovers’ of Epiphanies, Inc., help lifestyle entrepreneurs and million-dollar businesses ‘A-Ha Themselves!’ with fun, innovative, and profitable social marketing and success strategies. For FREE articles, tips, and strategies designed to catapult your content and electrify your business, sign up for their ezine, ‘The Inciter,’ at http://www.InciteMe.com!
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The Discipline of the Better Way
by Martin Camden
Section 1–Introduction:
My name is Martin Camden. I am a 52 year old white British man living in South London in the United Kingdom. I have become a happiness expert through being fascinated by the subject for 52 years. But recently things have changed for the better. I have now “sorted myself out” and I am now well on my way to “finding myself”.
I have spent the whole of my life searching tirelessly for solutions to my chronic unhappiness collecting ideas from many different sources and trying them out for myself as best that I could. I have aimed for complete personal integrity at all times and this has kept me well on track at all times.
Now that I have “sorted myself out” and begun the process of “finding myself” I now believe that I am well placed to help others to get into a similar position. So that is what this document is all about—giving you, the reader, some key tools to help you on your journey or way.
Section 2–Choice and the Rational Mind, Flow and the Intuitive Mind:
In life, and in any given moment, we have 3 fundamental choices. We can use our rational mind to make choices, we can “go with the flow” or we can do a bit of both. The rational mind makes rational decisions in an attempt to control and manipulate the world around us. And “Going with the flow” means allowing yourself to be guided by your intuitive mind. Making space for your intuitive mind is very important because this mind takes good care of your feelings.
When it comes to deciding whether to be totally rational, totally intuitive or a bit of both there are no rights and wrongs. Which choice you make depends on what you are trying to achieve. But if both your rational mind and your intuitive mind are free to operate naturally without impediment your entire rational/intuitive system will become self-regulating. Fancy that!—steadily moving towards realisation of your wildest dreams with no unproductive effort whatsoever
Some people talk about being at their best when they are “in the zone”. Others talk of “peak experiences” where for no apparent reason high performance became effortless for a while. These are both examples of where the rational/intuitive system has become totally uninhibited for a while demonstrating the wonderment of this state of being. If only we could be “in the zone” all of the time. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
I believe that it is possible to be “in the zone” for more of the time if you work at it in the right ways. If you would like some of this for yourself then read on.
No more self-sabotage will lead rapidly to greater satidfaction and fulfilment:
I have always been a highly rational person. Presumably because of difficult circumstances when I was a young child my intuitive mind gave total control of my life to my rational mind. My intuitive mind did not feel safe and it believed that the best policy was to put my emotional and physical safety in the hands of my rational mind. My rational mind then set about the task of solving all of the problems presented to it by the intuitive mind.
My rational mind did the best it could. Over the years my rational mind got stronger and stronger. Then, after reaching the limits of its own capabilities, it started to experiment with ways of giving some control back to my intuitive mind. But my intuitive mind insisted on complete safety before it would fully re-emerge. So my rational mind had to work harder and harder.
Eventually, at the age of 38, I developed a mental illness (manic-depression). I was locked up in secure units for many years giving me many more problems to solve
Through introspection and through talking to large numbers of other people of many different kinds (happy and miserable alike) I determined that the 6 main problems in life are:
Unnecessary fears, unhelpful compulsions, unwanted stuckness (the experience of feeling stuck), struggle that does not serve our life purposes, unresolved impatience and unresolved frustration.
These 6 things are all that stands between each of us and eventual complete satisfaction and fulfilment.
A positive approach to helping other people is to provide them with satisfaction and fulfilment coaching, but a focus on eliminating the above obstacles should be a big part of this coaching process.
No more self-sabotage will lead rapidly to greater satidfaction and fulfilment. My journey has been long and arduous, but my hard work is now starting to pay off in a big way. This document is supposed to encapsulate my current best thinking arising from my 52 years of experience. I hope that you find it of value in your life.
Sectioon 4–Containment of Frustration and Impatience:
Sometimes, in order to achieve what we are meant to achieve we have to contain ourselves resulting in necessary frustration and necessary impatience. These things are best tolerated because in the fullness of time they will be rewarded.
There is the concept of delayed gratification—everything comes to he or she who waits. In my life I have has the concept of “the long wait” meaning that on many occasions I have waited, sometimes for years, for something interesting, satisfying or motivating to turn up.
The opposite of containment is spontaneity. Ideally our capacity for both of these things should be strong. They both have their place. And as with choice and flow things work best when the balance between them is free, natural and self-regulating
Containment is very important in controlling something that psychotherapists call “acting out”. “Acting out” is where addiction to spontaneity or lack of self-control results in a playing out of old “distress recordings”. This may upset or annoy other people but it has its place because it reminds other people of their own distress and of the prevalence of distress that exists in the world. People like me would not feel a need to “act out” if other people did not constantly stick their heads in the sand.
Section 5–The Importance of Integrity and “Walking Your Talk”:
If you are aiming for total satisfaction and fulfilment in the shortest possible time then you will need integrity—a commitment to “walking your talk” and avoiding hypocrisy as far as this is possible. But for those of us who want an easier life then integrity will be of less importance. This is okay. We are all different. One person’s perfection does not have to be the same as the next person’s perfection. One person’s preferred kind of happiness does not have to be the same as the next person’s preferred kind of happiness. But perhaps we all automatically have integrity. Perhaps having integrity is an integral part of being a human being. Or is lack of integrity responsible for most kinds of anti-social behaviour or crime? Should we teach miscreants and criminals about the benefits of integrity so that they can reconnect with it and reconnect with their lives?
And “walking your talk” goes one step further than integrity. “Walking your talk” is about advising other people based on your own experiences and then taking your own advice—or giving yourself a taste of your own medicine! People who “walk their talk” are people who are born to lead, and such people should seek each other out, connect with each other and learn from each other. These leaders can then go out into the world with a view to enabling, empowering and inspiring those who specialise in other ways.
Freedome from distress and insanity:
I specialise in Liberation, Personalisation, Satisfaction Coaching, Fulfilment Coaching, The Science of Choice and the Art of Flow. I could also call myself a Satisfaction and Fulfilment Coach because these 2 job descriptions are just 2 sides of the same coin.
Liberation is about freeing individuals from the 6 obstacles to freedom listed in the section above.
Personalisation is about the art of making choices in life that serve each individual’s true self and not their ego.
Satisfaction and fulfilment are achieved by steadily working on satisfying all of your unmet needs until high levels of satisfaction are achieved. The benefits of doing this can be wonderful. You can end up feeling great—just the way you want to feel—and you should get more done with less effort. Does this sound too good to be true?
Look out for part 2 of this article coming soon.
Martin CamdenSatisfaction and Fulfilment TrainerLiberation and Personalisation TrainerWebsite: http://www.martincamden.co.ukE-mail: martincamden@googlemail.comMobile: 07734 923194
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Understanding and Overcoming Procrastination
by Larry Rivera
Overcoming procrastination is one of the major dilemmas facing anyone, whether in their personal or professional life. The habit of putting off work instead of attending to them right away has caused several lost opportunities or missed deadlines. In your aim towards increased productivity, this can be considered an unhealthy habit.
Who Is A Procrastinator?
To overcome the habit of a procrastinator, you should first identify the common tell-tale signs. Because this is a habit shared by several people, sometimes you won’t even be able to identify that you possess these characteristics.
A procrastinator is someone who puts off task at a later time, thinking they have the ability to complete tasks last-minute. Plus, s/he likes to believe that they have things under control until confronted by the reality that time is fast running out and there are still loads of work to be done. Even though he or she manages to complete the task on time, the quality is questionable.
Reasons For Procrastination
There are several reasons why people procrastinate. Oftentimes, it is innate to an individual or it could be lack of self discipline. However, it is important to point out the reason for this unhealthy habit so as to know how to deal with it.
1.Desire for perfection. Aspiring for perfection is not a negative thing. However, you have to make sure that it is realistic enough for your own skills. If not, then you are merely finding an excuse to postpone tasks.
2.Frustration. When tasks become too difficult, an individual’s response would be to give up easily due to frustration. Aside from complaining about the task, you often decide to put it off until such time when you are at a better mood to attend to it.
3.Lack of belief in own ability. When you start doubting your own skills and abilities, you will find it of no use working on the task assigned to you. Hence, you will lose productive time and end up accomplishing nothing.
Finding A Cure
Only when you have been able to recognize the reasons for your procrastinating habits will you be able to arrive at a resolution to your problem. There could be several reasons for this, so you have to arrive at a specific angle to effectively address this unhealthy habit.
For some people, responsibility is a burden. Therefore, when they are obliged to do something, they initially resent it and look for ways not to deal with the responsibility. However, by embracing your task as something that you actually enjoy doing, then you’d become more productive in it. In order to do that, you must create a balance between work and recreational activities. Do not punish yourself by depraving your schedule with fun. Make room for fun into your schedule. This might seem unproductive but by doing this, you will realize that you become more productive.
As soon as you start work on a task, the amount of work you need to put in could readily discourage you. Therefore, you need to mentally condition yourself to appropriate this one large task into smaller tasks that are more manageable. Once you get started on one, you will find it easy to pick up the pace and before you know it, you are finished.
Benefits of Overcoming Procrastination
1. Peace of mind
2. Having a sense of accomplishment
3. Regaining control of your life
4. Increased personal freedom
Self discipline is essential in helping overcome the habits of procrastination. When you learn to identify the unhealthy habits you possess, you can be on your way to overcoming procrastination and increasing your productivity.
Larry Rivera is a Internet Network Marketer who teaches people how to use the internet to start a home based business. Success University is the #1 Personal Development website on the internet. It gives you a place to earn while you learn. Having problems with relationship building, Learn the skills they never taught you in school.. Success University Review
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Four Positive Tools in the Toolbox For Success
by Gill Fitzhugh
It seems pretty simple to set our goals toward success. Still, the process involves the use of many tools. A lot of people actually set out with a very poor toolbox in the beginning and they don’t reach the place they were hoping to reach. In order to have a winning plan for success in life, there are certain things that are just obvious, required tools that everyone should have if they hope to be successful person. At the top of the list is the ability to change your circumstances when you aren’t happy with the place you now exist. This requires the first tool known as courage.
If you plan to be successful in life, you have a choice to either accept your position or change it. You can’t decide to just plug along in your present condition hoping that someone else will change things for you. You have to create the opportunity in yourself to make a change and this requires courage. Often, people who are stuck in an abusive situation will feel as though they are trapped, controlled, and powerless to get out of that situation. They don’t realize that they have the same choice of changing their circumstances as anyone else. What paralyzes them is the fear of the unknown. They have become comfortable in their abusive situation and they don’t have the courage to break out of it. If you find yourself in circumstances that are obviously lowering your chance of success in life, then you need to change those circumstances. Courage is the first tool that will help you to begin.
After courage, there is another primary tool that you will need in your toolbox. The next major tool that is required is the willingness to persevere toward your goal.
Once you begin to apply the tool of courage, you will immediately be hit with a series of problems and difficulties in your new attempt to become successful. This is especially true in the first few weeks of your new direction in life. Because of this, you will also need the tool of willingness to persevere because courage may only last for a short time. Willingness, however, is a powerful tool that is even stronger than mere courage. It gives you the energy to keep fighting toward your success even in the face of difficulties and challenges. It gives you the ability to keep going no matter what.
Once you make it through those first few weeks on your new direction in life, you are going to need another tool that is even stronger than courage or willingness. You are going to need a solid plan that will be founded on your good sense and your capacity for reasoning and rationality. Courage is great and willingness is even better. These are great to begin with but a courageous attitude and striving ahead with the willingness to achieve success isn’t going to be enough. In order to get you to the top of the mountain, you are going to need more. Eventually, you will need a solid plan to keep you on track and to help you avoid all the difficulties you are going to encounter. You may develop a more rational and reasonable plan for success with a friend or by yourself but you are going to need that plan to be well thought out. Then you are going to have to go back and re-apply your willingness and your courage to put that plan back into action each day.
After a considerable period of time, working in a courageous manner with the willingness to persevere and to think reasonably and rationally in life, you will be well on your way to success. Many people make great strides in their life by simply applying these three tools for success.
What finally arrives as the cherry on the sundae, and which they eventually discover as the greatest tool of all, only comes after first going through the difficult times with courage, willingness and reasoning. Through the use of these three tools, a successful individual may eventually encounter the most powerful tool of Love and this tool may transform their life so as to make everything, which had previously seemed difficult, seem extremely easy and enjoyable.
Using the four tools of success, a person may eventually develop a toolbox which includes the greatest set of abilities a person can acquire. This toolbox filled with courage, willingness, reason and love will make a successful person of anyone and insure them of happiness and fulfillment in everything they do!
For a free complimentary e-book of Think and Grow Rich and information about a brand new video seminar home study course, please visit the following website http://www.prosperityactionplan.com
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